As my exposure to this beverage culminated, I couldn't help but feel an utter disappointment in the pulpy, liquidy, flavorless, juice. The chilling lack of substance, left me waiting for the rest of the body, but the tasteless liquid continued to taunt me, reminding me of the floride rinses of my days in the old country. The one sucessful aspect of this, not so refreshing, refreshment was the full reenactment of the dental expearence, I could almost hear the drills, as I swished the revolting pink liquid about my mouth, it was as if the liquid was coming for my teeth. The aromas of this liquid ran up my nostrils, making circles stinging my nose hairs deep down into their pores. It began to start swirrling around in never-ending circles as though it has begun a laundry machine type of spin cycle. And actually had to throw out the majority of my given portion, due to the disspicable tang, that was left in my mounth. I must now take this oppertunity to express that this beverage is exeptionally dim-witted, and lacks any type of intlectual qualities.

One of a Kind

I am the first, the last, the future, but not the past. I once was the past, but I didn’t have time for it anymore. I only live in the now, which I currently dominate in every single way possible.

I am a champion Candle Stick Bowler. I hold the world record for most first place finishes. At everything.  I fought Chuck Norris, and knocked him out in 0.69 seconds. I have never bleed, sweat, or cried in my entire life. I own many leather bound books, and my bedroom smells of rich mahogany. I taught Roger Federer how to play tennis, then I taught Novak Djokovic how to be better. I enjoy peanut butter, and banana sandwiches, but only if they’re toasted.

I wrote all of Shakespeare’s plays, because I  thought it would be a decent way to spend a Tuesday night. I once lost at a competition just to see how it felt. I hold the record for most twinkies eaten in one sitting, it was over 9000. Oprah is in my book club. I own, New Line Cinema, Exxon Mobile, McDonalds, Wal-Mart, and the Pen Mar Cinema Center. I personally stopped the third, and fourth jets on September 11, 2001. I neglected to stop the other two, because I was at my Medal of Honor ceremony for stopping the third and fourth. Did I forget to mention I’m a time traveler?

After becoming the greatest specimen on the planet, I purchased all of Pluto, and the scenic areas of Jupiter.  I have slept in over 5000 beds.  Once I flew, but I forgot how I did it. I took the cookie from the cookie jar. I ran Iron Man, backwards.

I’ve saved over 200 small children from utter death, I leap Buildings in a single bound, I can run the mile in under 2 minutes, but I have yet to attend a single university class. 

For Your Consideration

117 Oak Ave
Kaleden, British Columbia,
V0H 1K0

April 4, 2011

Mr. Kleats
120 Geen Avenue,
Penticton, British Columbia
V2A 3W1



Dear Mr. Kleats:


   I am the father of Jed I. Knight, the point guard, and top scorer on your Jr. boys basketball team. I am writing you with some concerns that I have after watching you coach the first half of the season. I have noticed the following, and I would like to take this opportunity to present some pro-active solutions to the situations at hand. 


   To start with I have noticed that you often arrive to practice late. I understand that you have a very busy life, and all of your time given is as a volunteer. At this juncture I would like to offer you my services, in starting, or filling in for you during practices, or games you can not make. I have also noted that practices often lack organization. Many of the players on this team have played basketball for up to ten years, and are very familiar with many different practice drills. If you are ever in doubt you can always ask my son, or either of the two other captains, for drills, or practice techniques. 


   I also couldn't help but notice that there is too much emphasis put on winning. This is a problem because at this age there are still many players who are playing to have fun. At this age, and in this non competitive league, I think it would be more appropriate to have the team be non-competitive for the remaining games in league play. On this topic, my son has also received numerous negative comments from parents, and players for having received more playing time than the other boys on the team. I think it would be in the teams best interest to have the playing time be equal for the remainder of the year. 


  My final concern is the manor in which you sometimes speak to the children. I understand coaching can be very stressful, as I have done it. But I would greatly appreciate it if you would please not yell at, or use a stern voice with the children. My son has approached me multiple times to voice his displeasure with the way you speak to him, and his friends. 


  Mr. Kleats I would greatly appreciate if you take my opinions into consideration, and contact me with your suggestions, or concerns. 


Sincerely, 


Jack Knight