One of a Kind

I am the first, the last, the future, but not the past. I once was the past, but I didn’t have time for it anymore. I only live in the now, which I currently dominate in every single way possible.

I am a champion Candle Stick Bowler. I hold the world record for most first place finishes. At everything.  I fought Chuck Norris, and knocked him out in 0.69 seconds. I have never bleed, sweat, or cried in my entire life. I own many leather bound books, and my bedroom smells of rich mahogany. I taught Roger Federer how to play tennis, then I taught Novak Djokovic how to be better. I enjoy peanut butter, and banana sandwiches, but only if they’re toasted.

I wrote all of Shakespeare’s plays, because I  thought it would be a decent way to spend a Tuesday night. I once lost at a competition just to see how it felt. I hold the record for most twinkies eaten in one sitting, it was over 9000. Oprah is in my book club. I own, New Line Cinema, Exxon Mobile, McDonalds, Wal-Mart, and the Pen Mar Cinema Center. I personally stopped the third, and fourth jets on September 11, 2001. I neglected to stop the other two, because I was at my Medal of Honor ceremony for stopping the third and fourth. Did I forget to mention I’m a time traveler?

After becoming the greatest specimen on the planet, I purchased all of Pluto, and the scenic areas of Jupiter.  I have slept in over 5000 beds.  Once I flew, but I forgot how I did it. I took the cookie from the cookie jar. I ran Iron Man, backwards.

I’ve saved over 200 small children from utter death, I leap Buildings in a single bound, I can run the mile in under 2 minutes, but I have yet to attend a single university class.